February222013
We’re really fucked up right now. Thursday night and wine and one of us got drunk at Applebee’s which is always a hellacious experience. Okay, so here we have the Malayan tapir. This photo is of a fuckin’ baby one, when these Indonesian mammalian bitches grow up they’re straight up black and white. When they’re not communicating through a series of hilarious goddamned squeaks they chomp away on leaves and shit. These rainforest dwelling piggies on the real love living near water and are some nocturnal, adorable fucks. Currently, they’re like endangered ‘cause of humans being absolute greedy bitch fucks. The main threat to these cute as fuck little proboscis-faced fatties is deforestation. So like assholes, chill it with your carbon footprint if you want this bro to stick around.

We’re really fucked up right now. Thursday night and wine and one of us got drunk at Applebee’s which is always a hellacious experience. Okay, so here we have the Malayan tapir. This photo is of a fuckin’ baby one, when these Indonesian mammalian bitches grow up they’re straight up black and white. When they’re not communicating through a series of hilarious goddamned squeaks they chomp away on leaves and shit. These rainforest dwelling piggies on the real love living near water and are some nocturnal, adorable fucks. Currently, they’re like endangered ‘cause of humans being absolute greedy bitch fucks. The main threat to these cute as fuck little proboscis-faced fatties is deforestation. So like assholes, chill it with your carbon footprint if you want this bro to stick around.

February12013
Cheyah bitch fucks, we’re featuring a cat ‘cause fuck it, it’s Tumblr. Now that you got your bloggin’ dicks wet, meet the pallas’s cat. This communist kitty thrives in the Central Asian steppe region at stupid, crazy elevations and shit. When they’re not hiding in caves producing homeland propaganda, they’re unleashing guerrilla warfare tactics on the terrorized gerbil and partridge populations. Look at those eyeballs. Look, bitch. You see those goddamned pupils? Yeah, that shit is round as fuck ‘cause right before they slit your capitalist throat they stare you down with a pair of anthropomorphic eyes. Really, there are worse ways for your punk ass to die.

Cheyah bitch fucks, we’re featuring a cat ‘cause fuck it, it’s Tumblr. Now that you got your bloggin’ dicks wet, meet the pallas’s cat. This communist kitty thrives in the Central Asian steppe region at stupid, crazy elevations and shit. When they’re not hiding in caves producing homeland propaganda, they’re unleashing guerrilla warfare tactics on the terrorized gerbil and partridge populations. Look at those eyeballs. Look, bitch. You see those goddamned pupils? Yeah, that shit is round as fuck ‘cause right before they slit your capitalist throat they stare you down with a pair of anthropomorphic eyes. Really, there are worse ways for your punk ass to die.

January312013
Woah, woah. Let’s stop the car, get out and discuss this. This super chill amphibian is the hemiphractus fasciatus. A frog so pretentious that folks only refer to this twat by its complicated as shit scientific name. This bro lurks about the cloud forests (that’s a real thing, cooters) of Central America, but if you’re a fellow Panamanian frog you best check yourself lest you wreck yourself ‘cause this hemiphractus traitor bitch straight up preys on other frog species. Want to learn some real wild shit? The female bad bitch hemiphractus carries all her baby bitch eggs on her back and they hatch without going through that whole metamorphosis mess. Well, fuck my dick, that’s some awesome shit. 

Woah, woah. Let’s stop the car, get out and discuss this. This super chill amphibian is the hemiphractus fasciatus. A frog so pretentious that folks only refer to this twat by its complicated as shit scientific name. This bro lurks about the cloud forests (that’s a real thing, cooters) of Central America, but if you’re a fellow Panamanian frog you best check yourself lest you wreck yourself ‘cause this hemiphractus traitor bitch straight up preys on other frog species. Want to learn some real wild shit? The female bad bitch hemiphractus carries all her baby bitch eggs on her back and they hatch without going through that whole metamorphosis mess. Well, fuck my dick, that’s some awesome shit. 

January152013
After letting the eerie feeling that this creature has stared into the very depths and crevasses of your soul, give a warm welcome to the fucking tarsier. Those giant eyeballs are key to this baby bitch prosimian’s night-dwelling habits. Lurking in the treetops of South-East Asia, the tarsier leaps about devouring hoards of goddamned, disgusting bugs. They’re legit the only living entirely carnivorous primate and just be thankful that they focus their time and energy on blood-fucking the shit out of insects. Tarsier fur is soft as fuck apparently, but good luck trying to pet them ‘cause like most shit found in the wild they’re shy little mother fuckers. 

After letting the eerie feeling that this creature has stared into the very depths and crevasses of your soul, give a warm welcome to the fucking tarsier. Those giant eyeballs are key to this baby bitch prosimian’s night-dwelling habits. Lurking in the treetops of South-East Asia, the tarsier leaps about devouring hoards of goddamned, disgusting bugs. They’re legit the only living entirely carnivorous primate and just be thankful that they focus their time and energy on blood-fucking the shit out of insects. Tarsier fur is soft as fuck apparently, but good luck trying to pet them ‘cause like most shit found in the wild they’re shy little mother fuckers. 

January132013
I’m developing cabin fever thanks to being bedridden with some kind of cold/flu death illness, so I’m going to brighten all y’all bitches’ day with the pudu. This dickhole is found roaming through the temperate rainforests of South America and yeah, no shit, is the world’s smallest goddamned deer. No doubt the pudu spends its asshole days prancing about on little, spindly legs and eating all manner of flora while being secretive and solitary as fuck. Male pudus have these fucking antlers that look like they belong on some bitch fuck faun straight out of a fantasy trilogy found on the bottom shelf of the Barnes and Noble bargain books section. For real the pudu needs to watch its tiny back up in the rainforest ‘cause all kinds of predatory penises want a piece of that ass including owls and foxes. Let’s face it, if you’re taken out by an owl you’re kind of a bitch. 

I’m developing cabin fever thanks to being bedridden with some kind of cold/flu death illness, so I’m going to brighten all y’all bitches’ day with the pudu. This dickhole is found roaming through the temperate rainforests of South America and yeah, no shit, is the world’s smallest goddamned deer. No doubt the pudu spends its asshole days prancing about on little, spindly legs and eating all manner of flora while being secretive and solitary as fuck. Male pudus have these fucking antlers that look like they belong on some bitch fuck faun straight out of a fantasy trilogy found on the bottom shelf of the Barnes and Noble bargain books section. For real the pudu needs to watch its tiny back up in the rainforest ‘cause all kinds of predatory penises want a piece of that ass including owls and foxes. Let’s face it, if you’re taken out by an owl you’re kind of a bitch. 

January102013
Well, just check out the satisfied smug ass look on that mourning cuttlefish. This cephalopod loafs about the coastal waters of where all insect-borne nightmares dwell: Australia. You better watch yourself when you’re being brave as fuck and swimming off the Australian coast, that shit isn’t seaweed, it’s a goddamn mourning cuttlefish being a master of ultimate disguise. Like clever bastards they can alter the color and fucking texture of their skin to fool basic bitches left and right. On a documentary we watched once this bold male mourning cuttlefish disguised himself as a female to get in on some fertilizing action right under this other douche-bro cuttlefish’s tentacles. Folks, meet the drag queen of the ocean. 

Well, just check out the satisfied smug ass look on that mourning cuttlefish. This cephalopod loafs about the coastal waters of where all insect-borne nightmares dwell: Australia. You better watch yourself when you’re being brave as fuck and swimming off the Australian coast, that shit isn’t seaweed, it’s a goddamn mourning cuttlefish being a master of ultimate disguise. Like clever bastards they can alter the color and fucking texture of their skin to fool basic bitches left and right. On a documentary we watched once this bold male mourning cuttlefish disguised himself as a female to get in on some fertilizing action right under this other douche-bro cuttlefish’s tentacles. Folks, meet the drag queen of the ocean. 

January92013
Say a grand “hello” to this hook-beaked mother fucker. You already know that’s a fucking kiwi. This flightless, tawny-colored street rat is native to New Zealand, a colonialism-ravaged and geologically fucked up island in the Pacific. The kiwi comes in five different species, each so goddamned cute you want to burn yourself with a cigarette. These bitches have to be all different from other birds and shit by having marrow in their bones and a keen sense of smell. Kiwis are monogamous, once two of those bitches bond, in what’s probably a fuck-stupid RomCom scenario, they’re mated for life. 

Say a grand “hello” to this hook-beaked mother fucker. You already know that’s a fucking kiwi. This flightless, tawny-colored street rat is native to New Zealand, a colonialism-ravaged and geologically fucked up island in the Pacific. The kiwi comes in five different species, each so goddamned cute you want to burn yourself with a cigarette. These bitches have to be all different from other birds and shit by having marrow in their bones and a keen sense of smell. Kiwis are monogamous, once two of those bitches bond, in what’s probably a fuck-stupid RomCom scenario, they’re mated for life. 

January72013
Meet the tree pangolin, an evolutionary bad bitch who is not only so cute you want to throw it into a wood-chipper, but is also up to its empty little black eyes in evolutionary advancements. Residing in the birthplace of civilization, Africa, the pangolin is the only mammal to have a fucking keratin scale shield, which alone is amazeballs enough, but this asshole can raise and move that bad ass armor all while wrapped into a mind-crushingly adorable ball of razory death. With a stupid suck fuck mouth the pagolin only harnesses its powers to vanquish the ultimate of all evils: insects. Oh and this fuck has a prehensile tail, so watch in fucked awe as it gets all bipedal on your ass.

Meet the tree pangolin, an evolutionary bad bitch who is not only so cute you want to throw it into a wood-chipper, but is also up to its empty little black eyes in evolutionary advancements. Residing in the birthplace of civilization, Africa, the pangolin is the only mammal to have a fucking keratin scale shield, which alone is amazeballs enough, but this asshole can raise and move that bad ass armor all while wrapped into a mind-crushingly adorable ball of razory death. With a stupid suck fuck mouth the pagolin only harnesses its powers to vanquish the ultimate of all evils: insects. Oh and this fuck has a prehensile tail, so watch in fucked awe as it gets all bipedal on your ass.

3AM
After spending an entire day watching the fuck out of “Gator Boys” my only passion in life is for the crocodilian family. Stare into the majestic eyes of the Cuvier dwarf caiman. Try not to claw at your face with the cuteness of that itty, bitty dinosaur-esque fuck face. Goddamn it all. This tiny bro is found all up in South America and is the smallest living asshole in the crocodilian family, with your average baby bitch coming in at around four fucking feet long. Yeah, the dwarf caiman is pint-sized and no doubt filled to it’s little toothed brim with plenty of rude reptilian sass. Fuck. 

After spending an entire day watching the fuck out of “Gator Boys” my only passion in life is for the crocodilian family. Stare into the majestic eyes of the Cuvier dwarf caiman. Try not to claw at your face with the cuteness of that itty, bitty dinosaur-esque fuck face. Goddamn it all. This tiny bro is found all up in South America and is the smallest living asshole in the crocodilian family, with your average baby bitch coming in at around four fucking feet long. Yeah, the dwarf caiman is pint-sized and no doubt filled to it’s little toothed brim with plenty of rude reptilian sass. Fuck. 

January62013
Oh, holy fuck. That stupid face. This, folks, is the mother fucking dugong. I bet some of you are like, whaaaat that just looks like a manatee, whatevs. Well, bitch, you’d be wrong. The dugong is in the Sirenia order along with those fat manatee fucks. This pudgy ass-fuck is found throughout the Indo-Pacific and eats a fuck-ton of sea grass. These vegan bitch fucks are the only marine, exclusively herbivorous mammals, but some of these Lane Bryant customers cheat and slurp down invertebrates. I’m guessin’ this is cause they just confuse shellfish with sea grass with their piss-poor eyesight and all. 

Oh, holy fuck. That stupid face. This, folks, is the mother fucking dugong. I bet some of you are like, whaaaat that just looks like a manatee, whatevs. Well, bitch, you’d be wrong. The dugong is in the Sirenia order along with those fat manatee fucks. This pudgy ass-fuck is found throughout the Indo-Pacific and eats a fuck-ton of sea grass. These vegan bitch fucks are the only marine, exclusively herbivorous mammals, but some of these Lane Bryant customers cheat and slurp down invertebrates. I’m guessin’ this is cause they just confuse shellfish with sea grass with their piss-poor eyesight and all. 

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